Very recently,
A couple of months ago, a guy whom I liked a lot, and who I was in an intimate relationship with came to a rapid and cold end. He ended the 'love affair' if you want to call it that, which had been going on for 7 months in a sentence. In a sentence, it was all over, a sentence which included the information that he had left me for another girl.
(tumblr image)This guy wasn't a legitimate boyfriend to me anyway, but when somebody moves onto someone else so effortlessly without any regard for your feelings it does take a toll on your self-confidence. I was left feeling in the dark for weeks... wondering if I could trust another man again
I only stopped crying three weeks ago...
I had so many questions I wanted to ask this guy, questions like did you just use me to get intimate? did you even like me?, was I a bad lover?
But time is healing me, and I am getting my own closure.
you should never depend your self-worth on a guy making love to you, and telling you that you are pretty... and in this event, I did that. I am young don't judge me
After that event things slowly started to unravel in my mind, after those following weeks post the breakup. And that was this question, 'am I good enough in general?'.
Not only my problems with men have erupted this question, but my interactions with people in general and the response I get from them. As mentioned in my previous post about body image, I went to a fashion university (I have recently graduated), a place where as you can probably imagine competition, comparison of style and boasting about who your connections are, is something which is constantly in the air. some days I would walk away from the university, without a single compliment on the outfit you thought out so carefully, thinking that you don't know as many cool people as the girl who was sat next to you and by the time I got home I would be left feeling invisible.
Even more recently somebody who I messaged three years ago when I was 19, randomly decided to get in contact with me. He is Parisian, he is cool, sexy, simple with I would assume a lot of female interests around him. In return for my questions, and being to intrigued with him as a person, he doesn't really seemed that impressed with me or feel like I'm such a cool person they way I have expressed I feel about him.
Lately, my feelings of self-worth have been going up and down, some days I wake up and I feel beautiful and I feel fine, I do some painting and remind myself of how creative I am.
But some days I can't help but question what does the world think of me...
I'm sure we all do.
some days I think about all the guys who I was close or intimate with and who left for their different reasons...
I think about the lack of internet presence that I have
I think about the fact that I don't have my dream job yet
I think about the friends who used and abused my kindness, lost interest and then left
I think about so many of these empty shells in my life yet to be filled, and wonder is it because Im not enough...?
And obviously I know deep down that I am, but it would be nice to be reminded once in a while...and while this is a lovely thought, this week my best friend reminded me this week about self-affirmation and how it's important not to always wait for others to point out the beautiful things in us.
And while I deep down still would love a significant other to look at me like I am the most lovely thing he has ever seen, and that everybody loved my artwork and outfits and that I could inspire someone with this post. At the end of the day, I made a promise to myself not to chase anyone, or to fight for anyone's attention. Because the one thing which I learnt from the experiences that I have had this year is that I would rather be alone, than continue to chase after dim stars in the sky, from a distance they are beautiful but up close they mean nothing. It is important to be grateful for what you have until you are blessed with better...
(All images are from tumbr photography by LUMI TUOMI)
